I am a lightning rod.

I often wonder when I get to hang up the title and retire.

I spend a lot of time under the deep scrutiny of myself, and my actions and I wonder: why?

I could postulate from a clinical point-of-view the why since I have been in therapy for years due to the great amount of anxiety and stress associated with the role, but I won’t.

I think, though, that instead, I’m just going to say a few other things on my mind:

1. My body is still so unfamiliar after having given birth nearly 3-years-ago. Will I ever learn to be happy with it again? Was I ever happy with it before? I don’t honestly know.
2. I cut off all my hair because I needed the emotional freedom. I cannot explain it, but it worked. I am a stronger person now. It’s time to grow it back.
3. I try to be a better, more knowledgeable person every day. I read history books, I watch important pop culture and art that is shaping history today, but I cannot say I am not conflicted by so much. Violent death tolls rise. Medical needs are unattended. Families are in crisis and homeless.
4. I indulged in lunch at my favorite restaurant today.
5. I must read great literature for grad school, but I feel guilty every second I spend with my nose in a book. Nothing this enjoyable should be considered work, but I feel so lucky that it is.
6. I am uncertain of when I might have another panic attack. I think about it daily. It is out of my control, but yet I still try to focus on controlling it.
7. I wish I read more posts about foster-to-forever homes for children. It’s a brutal system. All children deserve to feel unconditionally loved and safe. I want to do something about it, soon.
8. Patience was my lesson in 2017 and it has led to many great rewards in 2018.
9. I am scared of failing.
10. My dog lost her toe. My other dog had cancer. As all loving parents do, we paid medical bills in spades. I will always believe that animal parents are as deeply connected to their furry “children” as parents to human children are.

The end.