I am a lightning rod.
I often wonder when I get to hang up the title and retire.
I spend a lot of time under the deep scrutiny of myself, and my actions and I wonder: why?
I could postulate from a clinical point-of-view the why since I have been in therapy for years due to the great amount of anxiety and stress associated with the role, but I won’t.
I think, though, that instead, I’m just going to say a few other things on my mind:
- My body is still so unfamiliar after having given birth nearly 3-years-ago. Will I ever learn to be happy with it again? Was I ever happy with it before? I don’t honestly know.
- I cut off all my hair because I needed the emotional freedom. I cannot explain it, but it worked. I am a stronger person now. It’s time to grow it back.
- I try to be a better, more knowledgeable person every day. I read history books, I watch important pop culture and art that is shaping history today, but I cannot say I am not conflicted by so much. Violent death tolls rise. Medical needs are unattended. Families are in crisis and homeless.
- I indulged in lunch at my favorite restaurant today.
- I must read great literature for grad school, but I feel guilty every second I spend with my nose in a book. Nothing this enjoyable should be considered work, but I feel so lucky that it is.
- I am uncertain of when I might have another panic attack. I think about it daily. It is out of my control, but yet I still try to focus on controlling it.
- I wish I read more posts about foster-to-forever homes for children. It’s a brutal system. All children deserve to feel unconditionally loved and safe. I want to do something about it, soon.
- Patience was my lesson in 2017 and it has led to many great rewards in 2018.
- I am scared of failing.
- My dog lost her toe. My other dog had cancer. As all loving parents do, we paid medical bills in spades. I will always believe that animal parents are as deeply connected to their furry “children” as parents to human children are.
The end.
I love all of these random and honest thoughts. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for reading! Xo
It really is crazy how drama seems be drawn to you. My favorite thing is that you set out to write in stream of consciousness, and ended up with a numbered list!
I like to refer to it as a stream of conscious from a Type A. 😀