I am a compulsive non-quitter.
When do you walk away? When it’s too hard? Maybe for some, but I’m not a quitter. Or maybe you’d quit when the two hours a week you’re supposed to be investing becomes forty hours a week of unpaid, no benefits bullshit that affects the sanctity of your home? Yup, right then, that’s when you quit… well, right after the additional six more months just in case something changes… and then one more week for good measure, and then BOOM. DONE. Out of nowhere, you quit.
And quitting those 2 hours a week – that actually turned into a full time stress-sesh and WERE actually, when all tallied, nearly 10x more than two hours a week – feels like THE. GREATEST. ACCOMPLISHMENT. OF. YOUR. LIFE. Versus all the actual work, time, and learning that you put into being able to accomplish those 2 hours a week. This is where I am. I am at peace, and I haven’t felt this languid peace in a year… Despite my toddler teething (insert lots of screaming), his obsession with the word “NO!” and the dogs barking in unison at every bird chirp, text-message DING and car door shutting up to a mile away. I AM AT PEACE because I quit. And I don’t fucking regret quitting.
I am a compulsive non-quitter. I persevere for the sake of perseverance. I would consider this the blight of all Midwesterners and it’s not something to be proud of. Lets learn to let go of the shit that holds us back, that doesn’t add value to our lives and that creates turmoil in our relationships! Let’s all just, “Cut-it-Out,” (thank you Dave Coulier, fellow Midwesterner).
What’s the end game? That’s the new question I ask myself – What is my end game? What is the result I want from this? If it’s going to better my career and the sacrifice is worth the gain in the end, then yes, I will survive, we as a family will push/trudge/get in there and keep going. But, if it’s just that I don’t want to be a quitter well, I’m done, from now on. Done.
I had a V.P. tell me once, when I was charged with interviewing candidates for an open position, and forgive me as I paraphrase:
“You want to know how I hire people for the worst jobs, Jaime? I like to hire women. I look for the one that has trouble keeping eye contact. A woman who’s quiet and doesn’t speak up. I hire the woman that looks like she’s in an abusive relationship, because I know she’ll never quit. She doesn’t know how to leave a bad situation.”
I hired a man and then I quit.
But that story isn’t even why I’m writing this blog entry. I quit my hobby. My escape. My healthy retreat that turned into a contentious “work” environment. The animosity I felt was not the person I’d spent years becoming. It was the person I left in Michigan when I moved far away and spent years in therapy, meditation groups, and exerting myself fully at physical activities like Muay Thai and Parkour.
I did not want to be the person I was becoming. And the amount of time I was spending fixated on it was dominating me like an addiction.
Those two hours a week plus the entire other 166 hours I was wrapped up in it I became dogged in my need to give 110% of myself. I began nitpicking every comment, every social media post, every group text and emoji. I carefully crafted every word I wrote back in response to emails and on social media posts to appear cool, casual, and a team player. I would spend an hour writing three words, then another hour changing those three words into a full sentence, then one more hour creating a picture montage and using filters in two different apps before posting anything to the limited number of eyes it would reach. And there was no pay for any of this no it was all to build false relationships. There was no hourly wage, just constant expectation. And when I didn’t conform to the pressure of this interaction I was dismissed, forgotten about, not included in private Facebook Groups that were accessed by invitation only.
So I finally composed, in one draft, the last email I’d ever send in regards to teaching a spin class:
I am at peace.
I am back to being productive. I am happy.
I FUCKING QUIT!
For more information on quitting, keep reading! Let’s be friends, I won’t quit you, I promise. Follow me!